How Gay Dating Coaching Works
My client Derrick proposes to his partner Vince on their 5th relationship anniversary. Photo by Dylan Stubblefield of BlkPhotoMain.
Love isn’t a fairytale, it’s more like a video game: The #1 reason anyone is single is because they’re trying to have a Level 25 relationship with Level 3 dating skills.
As a gay dating coach, my primary objective is to help clients develop their dating skills, thereby improving their romantic competence, dating confidence, and long-term relationship success.
(Fun Fact: According to the Lunch Actually Group, you are 200%-300% more likely to find lasting love if you’ve worked with a dating coach.)
But to do that there are two things we need to know: which skillsets need development and how much development those skillsets need.
Through working with over 1,000 singles in various capacities since starting my company in 2017, I’ve developed a simple system for assessing both of those questions.
My Receipts
But before we get into that, here’s a little about me in case you’re wondering why I’m qualified to share this with you.
As verified by the Global Love Institute (and multiple media outlets), I’m the first Black, gay, certified matchmaker and science-based relationship coach in the world.
I was recognized as one of the best gay dating coaches of 2024 as well as a top 10 LGBTQ matchmaker of 2024 and the best matchmaker for Black gay men.
I’m a certified hypnotherapist specializing in hypnosis for love (managing dating anxiety, healing childhood wounds, improving self-confidence, etc).
And I’m also the author of the #1 international best-selling book, Lasting Love at Last: The Gay Guide to Attracting the Relationship of Your Dreams.
Now that you know a bit about my professional background, let’s explore the dating skill categories first and then we’ll look at the phases of skill development.
Dating Skillset Domains
There are four domains of relationship skills.
The first domain is your MindSet, which includes your relationship expectations, knowledge, and values. The big question here is: Are your expectations realistic? The #1 reason relationships fail isn’t infidelity or money, it’s the frustration experienced because of our unmet, often unrealistic expectations. The skills in this domain allow you to define, adjust, and negotiate expectations in order to create a healthy level of romantic commitment.
Next is your HeartSet, which includes your emotional needs, boundaries, and temperament. The big question here is: Are you emotionally available? You are 200% less likely to enter a new relationship if you are still emotionally connected (either positively or negatively) to past partners. The skills in this domain allow you to articulate, regulate, and validate emotions in order to create a healthy level of romantic connection.
Then we have your ActionSet, which includes your dating instincts, abilities, and confidence. The big question here is: Are you confident in your instincts & abilities? Confidence is not a state of mind—you cannot simply decide to be confident. True confidence is the level of trust we have in ourselves that is only ever based on the evidence of our actions. The skills in this domain allow you to identify, integrate, and activate your skills and instincts in order to create a healthy level of romantic chemistry.
Finally, we have your HabitSet, which includes your romantic environment, lifestyle capacity, and attachment style. The big question here is: Do you have the current capacity to handle a relationship? Your lifestyle habits—in conjunction with your expectations, emotional availability, and dating skills—determine the time, space, and energy you have available to nurture a romantic connection. If your capacity is overextended, relationships will struggle to grow. The skills in this domain allow you to assess, optimize, and leverage your capacity in order to create a healthy level of romantic consistency.
Now let’s look at the four dating skill development phases.
Skill Development Phases
The first phase focuses on your level of Self-Awareness: Do you know what you want, what you need, how to get it, and how to keep it? If not, the priority here is to increase your awareness of your relationship expectations, emotional needs, dating instincts, and lifestyle capacity. Gaps in self-awareness skills create blinds spots that hinder our progress.
The second phase focuses on your level of Psychological Adjustment: Have you reconciled your expectations, emotions, skills, and capacity with what reality requires? If not, the priority here is to develop the resilience and dexterity needed to navigate the discomfort that is required for your romantic growth. Gaps in psychological adjustment skills create cycles of dysfunction that keep us stuck (i.e. patterns of self-sabotage).
The third phase focuses on your level of Romanitc Application: Are you able to confidently navigate romantic interactions and enter a committed relationship? If not, the priority here is to consistently practice intentional dating and conscious relating so that dating becomes easier. Gaps in romantic application skills create missed opportunities as we are unable to effectively facilitate our romantic progress.
The fourth phase focuses on long-term Relationship Automation: Are your romantic results sustainable? If not, the priority here is to reinforce the habit of continual improvement so that your dating skills and romantic routines don’t become obsolete as life evolves around you. This includes periodic reviews and updates of your expectations, emotional needs, skills, and capacity in response to the changes that occur in your life and your relationship. Gaps in relationship automation skills create romantic instability and exhaustion.
Phases 1 & 2 focus on your levels of romantic preparation (internal mastery): increasing your self-awareness and psychological adjustment ensures a strong foundation to support the outcomes of your romantic intentions. Phases 3 & 4 focus on your levels of romantic performance (external mastery): consistently and effectively applying your dating skills makes a healthy relationship both inevitable and sustainable, as dating skills are relationship skills.
Sustainable progress in a phase is only possible if foundational skills have been adequately developed in the previous phases. As such, the first step in closing any skill gaps is to identify any potential blind spots in awareness and then progressively move through the higher development phases in order (Awareness → Adjustment → Application → Automation). In other words, self-awareness is the foundation of confidence, competence, and sustainable success.
Putting it All Together
Together, the competence domains and development phases intersect to form what I call a dating skill gap map. The gap map visually represents which areas need development and how much development is required, as is pictured in the example below.
How long does it take?
Once we know how much development you require in each domain, we can create an individualized plan with a realistic timeline to help you close the gaps.
The time commitment depends on whether you decide to develop your skills on your own or work with a dating coach.
Do It Yourself Timeline: For most people, it takes about a year or so to develop competence in each domain on their own, so it could take between one and four years or more altogether depending on how many of your domains have competence gaps as well as your level of diligence and self-accountability in closing those gaps.
Dating Coach Timeline: It generally takes about 3 months for my average client to develop a level of competence in a single domain (¼ of the time it usually takes someone to do it on their own). Therefore, the total length of a dating coaching program could take anywhere from 3-12 months depending on how many of your domains have competence gaps.
This was true for my client Derrick (pictured proposing to his partner above), who began with major gaps in two domains when we started working together (in September of 2017). Derrick achieved competence in both domains in a total of six months (the following March), and literally less than a month afterward started dating Vince (in April).
The couple got engaged on their 5th anniversary, and tied the knot on their 6th relationship anniversary in April 2024.
In Derrick’s words during the wedding reception (paraphrased from the video below), “I would not be the man I am today, as far as my relationship, without Amari. I took Amari’s coaching and I don’t mind telling, because sometimes we think we know what we’re doing but we keep running into walls. You gotta learn the lesson.”
While a detailed visual of each of your domain levels as pictured in the Gap Maps above is only possible through a 1-on-1 consultation with me (which includes an assessment of your relationship goals, your dating strengths & skill gaps, and a plan of action to develop your skills to lasting love levels within the next 3-12 months), you can discover your overall estimated dating skill average by taking the free dating skills quiz here or at the button below.
And that’s a brief synopsis of how dating coaching works.
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Amari Ice is a gay love coach, matchmaker, and hypnotherapist who helps successful singles master their romantic magic by developing their dating skills, healing subconscious patterns of self-sabotage, and enhancing their romantic magnetism so that love becomes inevitable. Take the free Dating Skills Quiz to discover your dating skill level.
